11-09-03
The sun is dimming
today may be the best you get
if she was coming back
she's still a fallen leaf
and she's a stranger
in Newark
in India
and she's gone
and maybe you found someone to walk beside you
and I'm alone on the avenue
sunburned in a long winter
she could save clippings of your fingernails
or falling strands of hair
could she save my memory
or is it all twisted like a funhouse mirror
not fun at all
she could wait by the hearth
and accuse me
and maybe the fire would go out
suddenly
maybe it was raining
misty so that street lamps smear
and seem to be dripping sideways
would she have dinner waiting
if she was still someone who could answer
maybe I could ask her
playing a mix tape
and lying
loud so I can hear
she's somewhere else
shouting at invisible enemies
and do I cross her mind
sometimes
does she choke me
fuck me and forgive me
regret me
or have I become a stranger
lost in all the rest
unimportant
can I be cold enough
to resent
forget
could this stop weighing so heavy
what pulls me down
makes me hang low
like the sun in November
someone is buried
who couldn't keep me close
who could keep me up at night
who kept me alone
someone I never forgave
and someone is gone
who I lent my hands to
who kept me close
who I couldn't keep
from falling
I could continue
I could watch everyone fall
like shooting stars
drifting so suddenly past the horizon
and I feel so weak
I feel so, so tired
to think I will walk beneath a meteor shower
painfully, wretchedly beautiful
for all days
as if the sun were dying
dimming into a long winter
left to wait
for when I should fall myself