08-05-03
(revised 8/25)
I spent today wishing I was asleep
counting the minutes until I was tired enough
how long will it take to grow old?
last night it was too dark to walk
today it was too hot
its much too humid
to drink, smoke, or sleep
pests hound me
friends avoid me
they're somewhere with air conditioning
where the valley's not so low and it doesn’t get dark at 4 pm
where the food tastes good and you don't have to make it
people are such ridiculous, monstrous things
yet I don't feel so great being alone
I think I just lived 2 years of nothing
drained me, ruined me
and now I always feel tired
I've even forgotten what was stolen from me
have dreams about it, can't remember
hints of deceit grew into mistrust
used, lied to and left
but did I do a good thing?
invested in trouble
a walk to meet halfway
a no-show
had to walk the whole distance
feet blistered and burning
she asks for my shoes, saying
"someone hurt me while you took so long
violated me
while you were careless
you broke me"
cracks form in the back of my throat
I wonder if its true - a lie I can't question
my mouth is dry and my tongue sticks to the roof
pressure on my chest
she may be chewing on my collar bone
I can't eat
offered several dishes but I just pick at it
and it makes me sick
She keeps me awake to settle disputes
my eyes cracked and red at dawn
a 16 hour day of failing
when I return she's still furious
though she begs me to stay over
because she is still so small and sweet and afraid
In the morning she twists her face and screams
angry because she let me stay here for free
the winter rages on and I miss being cheerful for Christmas
her only small complaint - a pain she can't pass on to me
The radio cracks on in my car and I'm cold
feeling better at work
feeling very old
Any softness I can remember is fading
in between these dark walls
in between us
a loneliness she resents and a coldness I fear
I help her when she moves
and she moves her chess pieces
The game has changed - she's added enemies
took the white pieces and painted them black
just when we were winning
When winter locks again, it is a trying time
seven months of snow
cracked, dry skin
the snow melts and the secret's still there
something they knew but I didn't
something I'm not sure I want to
She comes back from her trip
she's been careless and she's lost herself
But she's gone
a weight I no longer feel
she took with her something beautiful
but something troubling
It's a verse I recite often
because it is complete and with great meaning
it is something the seasons will still remind me of
even when I am old
but it is something I will never understand